Free Falling

One of my favorite movie moments (and I have many) is a scene in the 1978 production of Superman when Lois Lane is falling through the air after loosing her grip from a rope tied to a helicopter and the Man of Steel suddenly appears in time to catch her. With a mixture of relief and confusion Lois looks into Superman’s eyes in time to hear him say “Easy miss, I’ve got you” after which she responds with a resounding “you’ve got me? Who’s got YOU??”.

This scene has replayed in my head on numerous occasions in conjecture with my early walk with God, especially at times when my mentors or friends would use the catchy little phrase “God’s got you!” As the years of trusting mount up and the evidence stacks in favor of truly believing that it may be true, there are still moments when my irrational mind takes over to cloud the eyes of my heart and I find it difficult to step out in faith. The fear of falling renders me motionless until I am once again reminded that there is a force of love so powerful that it relies on nothing but it’s own strength to support me.

Developing trust is an ongoing process that can be plagued with moments of doubt not in God but in myself. I struggle with a recurring thought pattern of unworthiness or the nagging sensation that I will not have enough. Childhood scarcity and the insecurities caused by an unsettled home life can trigger immense and powerful feelings of doom and insufficiency. When I find myself hoarding everything from canned goods to emotional assurances I have to consciously lay down the incessant demands of my old belief systems and rewire my brain through the actions of prayer, stillness and mediation. On the flip side I also need intense physical movement and yoga to release the pent up energy and restlessness that builds to a boiling point if I allow myself to become too comfortable in my self imposed paralysis.

In the world of 12-step work and recovery we are taught to do the “next indicated right thing”, When the concept of trusting a God that I can’t see or touch has become too much for me to fathom, I have been taught to choose the next obvious move to the left or to the right. Allowing myself permission to keep it simple is oftentimes all I need to feel grounded and reconnected to the moment I am living in.

None of us are exempt from seasons of extreme physical or spiritual upheaval. Events as common as divorce, job changes or the death of a loved one can leave us feeling as though we have lost our grip on the rope that tethers us to security. My first few days of sobriety were surprisingly similar to the moment when Lois Lane slips from the dizzying height of the helicopter and begins to free fall towards earth. Not unlike the unexpected appearance of Superman, God showed up not in the costume of an action hero but as a savior who has for all accounts remained mostly anonymous and always mysterious. I did not hit the ground but in some ways I have remained in a perpetual state of free fall that has taught me to trust more and question less.

The fact remains that I am still sober 20 years later and that my life has taken on the qualities of a person living in freedom and for the most part profound peacefulness. My age dictates a certain amount of exhaustion that has helped me to relax a little and to need less in order to be satisfied. I am grateful to be free from the expectation of becoming spectacular in my work life or leaving an indelible mark on mankind. The drive to “do” something remarkable has faded into a place of acceptance and gratitude for the life I have been given. I am enough. The God of my understanding continually provides me with the perfect measure of everything I need and although I may never comprehend who’s got Him, I know with complete certainty that He’s got me.